


Broken boring toy.

by wickedesthonktraband



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, One sided, Physical Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-03
Updated: 2019-09-16
Packaged: 2020-10-06 08:13:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20503721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wickedesthonktraband/pseuds/wickedesthonktraband
Summary: she never did juggle again after that.





	1. Chapter 1

The corners of her mouth curl upwards in a way that had been particularly pleasant, as she sat there lonesome in her chair-save of course for her, and dear sweet Spinel.

The thought bitter on her mind like spoiled candy, her disposition only seemed to turn her ever more sour to the mere concept of her presence as she smiled back at her but Pink, being a kind and diplomatic being smiled back. If only weakly and hiding behind it an annoyance for her court member. Whether or not she even technically had a court or a member to be called of it may be an entirely different argument yet, but Pink had decided her and her pearl were as good a court as any and that would be that.

The more that she thought about it the more in fact that she came to the solid conclusion that yes, she and her pearl were indeed good enough for a full court. Why should she need anything else anyway? This was plenty and she liked _ her _ new pearl, she was a pretty little thing and so smart too. She lit Pink's mind on fire and it was intoxicating. She could drink in every drop of Pearl's existence like soma divine. She felt invincible around the Pearl and she did so love that. 

That smile set her on edge, she felt like she could grip her fingers so hard onto her throne it'd crack in submission to her might. It wasn’t like Spinel had been trying to annoy her, Pink knew that perfectly well and she could see no fault in Spinel to blame her for but…”Oh, really, it’s not necessary Spinel. We could always find something else to do..” she trailed off but an interjection came swift and bubbly with a voice that made Pink want to do nothing more than just bubble her and be done with it already ”Noo my diamond, I'm more than happy to juggle with you it’s my favorite activity oh gosh I can get even more ball this time and maybe something super duper heavy too just to complicate it a little it’ll be great!” the sweet sugar disposition her tone carried a heat over Pink's neck and down to her back. 

Pearl lit her mind on fire and Spinel...Spinel annoyed her, worse yet she made her feel like such a freshly incubated gem. Her voice, her clothes the way she talked walked and everything else disgusted her. How could Yellow, Blue and White expect her to put up with this? She wasn’t _ newly made _ and she wasn’t a commoner she deserved better than something so pitifully , horribly _ boring_. Perhaps that was the worst of it really, that her new toy had lost all of its lustre and become just so dull. She’d outgrown it, and the other diamonds just couldn’t see that. 

Help her oh sweet merciful kindergarten when the gem actually began juggling she was sure she’d poof herself away on the spot, singing in a bouncy cartoonish voice that brought her onto the edge of demanding her shattering and...

_ That smile made her sick. _

Long walks in the garden with her Pearl always held fruitful evenings, and her Pearl always seemed to spark such new interests in her that she never thought of being able to exist in the first place. Her toy-her pearl-had always been so much more fun than Spinel herself had ever really been. A chuckle or two at the most was all she could be gotten to give the worthless, clinging parasite that followed along with her with a love so deep for her diamond it hurt. 

“Aw jeeze silly I dunno I mean it’s not like you COULDN’T spend the rest of your life with someone playing games!” 

“Well, no...I do suppose that in theory it’s not but maybe it wouldn’t be the most practical way to live either Spinel, surely someone has to get bored of playing games at some point don’t they?” 

“They don’t have to Pearl! Besides, what kind of chuckle head would ever get bored of doing that??”

It grated on Pink and she could feel, somewhere inside of her something akin to a a little thread that was tightened and tugged each time Spinel spoke, laughed, or smiled in her presence she felt it twinge and get ever closer to finally snapping right in half. She wanted to be alone with her new pearl so bad but Spinel followed her wherever she went and the more time she tried to be alone the more _ she _ seemed to follow. 

Her Spinel had gotten so overbearing and troublesome and boring it was affecting the rest of her life and her new friend now too and that was hardly fair now was it? No , it hadn’t really been fair at all she’d decided. 

“Spinel could you please just _ be quiet for once? _ Every time I try to talk with Pearl you wont stay quiet for more than five seconds, you want to be fun so badly then why don’t you be useful and _ stop _ talking right _ now _?” the venom behind her words had surprised Pearl, Spinel and herself, but hardly she could find herself caring at all. “I..uh..yes of..of course my diamond.” 

Relief floods over her soothingly, the smallest ball of guilt forms in her midsection looking over and seeing as Spinel smiled, with eyes slightly watered looking towards ground beneath in response to a glare directed to her. Spinel could get over it, she had been an annoyance hadn’t she? 

When things are good with Spinel they are wonderful, she never talks as much as she used to now, not after the first venomous spittle of words she’d laid against the gem without restraint or care beyond the most minute amount possible. That day alone she had hardly looked back to Pink again until she finally found the gem suitable enough to play with when she was done with Pearl and finding her happiness just a little less grating. 

When things are bad with her Spinel though she can’t hardly find herself yelling at the gem anymore, kicking her down to place seemed to prove easier with time. She didn’t like hurting her feelings, really. But she found everything about her so irritating, it was easier to let her feel bad for a while and easier yet still to simply send her off somewhere else for an hour or more until she was ready for her again. Which as time grew on seemed to be less and less. 

Pearl would find herself staring, wondering on _ h__er _diamond and Spinel, something would find itself snaking around her mid section when she saw such looks of anger cross her beautiful diamonds divine face. She could feel the ghost like fingers of something less than admiration prickle against her neck sending cold down through her form. She certainly never said anything though, after all as White herself said at times the lowly Gems such as herself did need reprimanding and who could judge someone as perfect as Pink for doing what is right and true. Yes Pearl did sometimes catch herself staring, but she just as easily looked away.

Time goes on though, with that change rides close on the coat tails and brings with it fierce and brutal upheavals in mental status quo. Pink stamped back and forth in her garden angrily, those ballerina like slippers crashing to the ground and bringing light tremors with each heavy step. 

“Urgh! It’s like they won’t even _ listen _ to me Pearl. Like they think my opinion doesn’t matter and i'm just-just some...thing! Some _ thing _ that can’t make it's _ own _ decisions and run it’s _ own _colony. I wish they would just listen for once and stop rolling over me like this!”

“My diamond surely they don’t mean it the way that you feel, perhaps you could try talking with them again couldn’t you?”

“I’ve _ tried _ that Pearl and it just..nothing ever happens! Everything stays the same and it’s not fair. I have a voice that matters, _ you _have a voice that matters.” 

Words lose their way with Pearl who had felt the stirring of something inside her that scared her deeply, something that gripped her with heat and with a terrible sense of yearning as she looked up to the looming giant who held the sad beautiful face of someone who wanted as much as Pearl did herself. 

Pearl could find herself thankful being at such a loss for words for what to do when Spinel as cheerful as ever comes through eager and holding in her bendy pink arms three uniformly shaped pink balls all roughly the size of an orange in bigness. “ Aw, here I know it’s no fun but I know just what to do to cheer you up, it’ll be just like old times and you’re gonna love it I promise! When we’re done you won’t even think about White diamond anymore!” she says it so gingerly, so sweetly Pearl could feel herself grinning. It was hard not to, Spinel did have a way of at least making Pearl herself smile with her genuinely saccharine nature. Pink however, seemed in no short ready or wanting to deal with this now “Spinel...I _ really _don't think a good game of juggling is going to make anything better right now.” Spinel's brow softens for a moment, looking up at her and clutching in her mind for a resolve before letting that eager grin paint across her face again, she was nothing if not ambitious and loving of her best friend. “Well...Well then I’ll juggle for you! That always made you feel better oh please please PLEASE my diamond!” the sneer that crosses Pinks face made both Spinel and Pearl quiver back, until she’d given her play mate and dismissive approving wave of her hand. 

It seemed to go well enough at first, really she was quite adept at her act and even pink, who had been nothing short of wanting no part in Spinel's japery would watch attentively from time to time and even threaten a smile as she kept on. Herself having sat square on the ground before her, large legs crossed one under the other.

Spinel felt loved in this moment, all she ever wanted was to feel loved and to be loved by her friend. She wanted to show her how well she could do and that if given a chance she really could still be so much fun. She didn’t need to worry about her making Pink mad because she really could do better and be good. She could be fun! And by the grace of the diamonds she feels like she really is a good friend to Pink, until fate proves fickle and cruel and a ball shoots from her left hand and hits Pink in the face hard and fast. 

Horror gripped her, Spinel's arms freezing and those little juggling balls dropping out and away (she just couldn’t seem to catch any now could she?) as Pink's hands went in towards her nose with a sharp inhale and her eyes screwed shut. She hadn’t meant to, didn’t want that to happen at all but it did. It did and it had been too late, Pearl rushed to her side with her own interjection of “_ Pink!” _if there were any room for anything other then shame and guilt and fear in the moment she could be jealous. Pearl had privilege to refer to her in a way much more close than she herself did.

“_ I told you juggling was a _ _ stupid _ _ idea.” _ she says it hissing, her gloves tear from her nose and her pupils show when the lids open to reveal them constricted like a predator ready to seize its prey. “ I _ told _ you and you _ didn’t _listen to me.”

“I..I’m _ so _ sorry my diamond please I promise I won’t ever do it again really! I didn’t mean to do that honest- _ ” _

“But you did it Spinel. You played that _ stupid _ _ boring game _ . When I said no. You’re no better than White are you? I have a right to my own wants Spinel. What _ I _ want matters. What _ Pearl _ wants matters.” _ Pearl gulped down a hard lump that formed its way into her throat watching as her diamond grew anger hot over herself, Spinel looked up at her tears welling up in her eyes. All she ever wanted is to be fun for her diamond and to be her best friend, and she failed her. If she just listened and hadn’t done something boring she wouldn’t be so mad. She should’ve done better, she only had herself to blame for Pink being so mad at her. Her eyes sting, and tears bless her face streaking down it warmly. “ _ Please _ please _ don’t be upset I didn’t mean to really, I’m sorry it..it is a stupid game, we can do something else and I promise it wont ever happen again.” her voice cracks so much she might swear she were a shattered gem trying to speak, giving her leader a sad hopeful smile as she waited to hear back. They were best friends right? 

That smile does it in for Pink instantly, that stupid tooth rottingly sweet smile set her over. Looking at Spinel all she could see were her fellow diamonds. Her diamonds telling her she wasn’t ready. Her diamonds telling her to stop pestering them and to go play. Her diamonds building her endless gardens to get lost in to stop bothering them. Her diamonds giving her Spinel to keep her quiet and entertained as if she were a defective gem. She sighs, heavy, and motions for Spinel to come closer.

For a brief, brief second Spinel thinks that she really can make it up to her right now and that things will be ok, her friend loves her and accepts her. All she ever wanted was that, so she does it happily giggling in broken hiccuping parts with Pearl watching cautiously by her diamonds side. 

Pink grabs her once she’s in range, wrapping both her hands easily around the gems body-hands carefully avoiding her gem in of itself and focusing on her physical form only. Anxiety runs deep into the gem as she felt Pink grip her. “I’m sorry but you really did cross my boundaries this time Spinel, that’s not ok to do.” “W-wait I..I…” Pearl is only able to look for so long, the contortion of Spinel’s face as those tears grew in her eyes looking helpless and frightened as her friend-her _ best _ friend gripped her tightly and increased squeezing her with all her strength. _ Pearl _looked away when she started saying sorry, she didn’t dare look again until all noise had stopped and looking back all she saw was a heart shaped gem held between Pinks two palms, gingerly gazing back to her Pearl with a gentle and innocent smile on that beautiful face of hers.

“She’ll reform soon **__**enough, why don't we go and sit by the pond for a while now, Pearl?”


	2. I'm your best friend spinel!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wonderin' about life.

_ “ I’m your best friend Spinel! ” _

She can remember softer days of hands held together and hours of playing to be had, she can remember laying her head on her shoulder and just taking in the love of being with someone who had meant so much to her and feeling cared for too. Conversations and jokes that lead to places that kept the two wanting to do nothing but be with the other. Or atleast, kept her wanting to be with her diamond.

Spinel doesn’t smile the same way she used to, but she still does all the same. She loves Pink with every inch of her form that she’s possibly able to. She loves her though it hurts. It hurts and yet she loves her all the same, she supposed that having a best friend was supposed to hurt after all wasn’t it? Besides that fact she knows it wasn’t _ meant _to hurt her. She simply had to learn her lesson and that’s all there was to it. Pink loved her back, she had to, anything less could destroy Spinel if she were to let that seep its way into her mind. So it doesn’t and she plays when she’s wanted and waits when she isn’t. 

The days stretch as time goes on, she notices times where her diamond smiles less and less at her but she tries anyway, she tries her best to make Pink happy because that’s what a best friend is supposed to do isn't it? So, she tries, some days it works and some days it doesn’t. Principally through all of it, though, Spinel notices that consistent _ change _ over the days, like something within Pink was growing. Like something between her Pearl and her had been growing, in smiles and glittering starlight while she stands to the side of the group waiting to be useful again. In talks she couldn’t keep up with, yes. She watched them move forward.

She stood still.

Days stretch but time always feels like it’s running so short between her and Pink, like she’s grasping at sand running through her fingers. The sand keeps pouring out, and she can hold a few grains at a time enough to feel almost substantial but even those seem to spread through the cracks of her fingers, this terrible dread of a loss haunts her without having even lost anything. 

Pink diamond’s love ebbs and flows like crashing tides against the banks of her world, she wants nothing more than to dip in and swim in it. Immerse herself and float in it. But it’s like grasping at that sand. It slips through her fingers and blows away in the wind in front of her, the harder she tries, the more it just falls away. She watches Pearl and Pink talk with each other for so many more hours than they ever do now, and when Pearl makes her laugh something in Spinel’s chest clenches and a heat grows over her lower back and face, she should be happy her best friend has someone who makes her feel so good shouldn’t she?

When she’s alone she lets her hands trail where Pink’s had been, not purposefully-not really at least- but she can feel herself touching where the others had been ‘_ you really did cross my boundaries this time, Spinel.’ _her hands never stay long.

There are feelings that creep up on her when she’s by herself, when her diamond, her sweet loving diamond really wasn’t around that had caught Spinel and dragged her down like cruel beasts of the abyss of the mind. Yes, sometimes Spinel had so many feelings that she would find herself just standing and staring out into wide beautiful nothingness in her and Pink’s special place. 

Feeling that if she wasn’t careful, she’d just drift away.

She hangs her feet over the edge of the tree branch she’d sat square on with Pink, humming out a tune she made up herself on the spot bobbing her head side to side. ‘_ Climbing really is a hoot and a half. _’ She’d thought to herself, looking back to her diamond with a large grin flashing each and every one of her teeth that she was able to. “Gosh everything is so pretty up here isn’t it?” she said with such elation, voice bubbling up at the very end as she kicked her feet back and forth in the air. Pink looked back to her, seated close by and giving a slight nod and a smile, her eyes holding an emotion behind them that disagreed with what she portrayed. Not that spinel noticed or particularly cared, Pink would never lie to her would she?

All the same it left something in the pit of her stomach that made her a slight bit uneasy, she remembers how much the diamond was so sad before, and how easily she’s able to clear up her grey skies with such ease and effect on her. So she thinks it over, holding a small purple coloured bottle in her hand-pulling the cap off and revealing a small wand with a hoop attached at its end. Watching as after one slow breath out iridescent orbs float in the air along side beautiful butterflies. She always liked watching the butterflies, they made her laugh.

“Come on and blow some with me huh? It’ll be great! You’ve always been able to blow the biggest bubbles after all.” she says, snickering and holding out the bottle and its wand to her with a smile. She watches as more bubbles join along side hers, iridescent and reflecting their oasis and the endless stars above in them, some days were better than others. 

When the bubbles drift and pop she feels a little sad, when the butterflies go away she wonders if watching something you love leave always makes you feel like that.

“But..” she trails off, tugging on her diamonds skirt carefully as she rocked on her heels with light squeaking and jingling following each movement of her feet clownishly. “But I _ REALLY _ wanna go with you! Sheesh, we don’t really ever go anywhere with each other you know? It gets kinda boring without you silly billy!” the diamond exhaled, slowly shutting her eyes as she stopped moving her way towards the teleporter in calculating purposeful stride. “Spinel, it’s not that simple sometimes I need to do important things that can’t get interrupted because of _ you _ . You aren’t able to focus on things that I need to Spinel and that’s fine but I _ can’t _have you interrupting me every time you want to go off and play.”

She cringes at that last part, letting her hands dangle and swing at her sides, no longer rocking back and forth on her feet but looking up at her diamond. Her beautiful, wonderful best friend. “Well then I..I won’t play at all, yeah! Aw pleeeaase my diamond I won’t even make a peep! Promise, cross my gem and hope to shatter!” she takes that same hand she rested on her skirt prior, pushing her forefinger and thumb together to make a smooth zipping motion across her mouth with a hopeful smile. Pink’s eyes narrow and she shakes her head, moving herself forward, only to have spinel collapse her arms lengthening and wrapping around Pink’s ankles and lower calves like creeping vines.

Pink finds the display little more than disgusting, and pathetically sad as she lay on the ground beside her feet. Pitiful, small little thing. Why couldn’t she be more dependant and just leave her alone? At least when she told Pearl to leave her alone for an hour-or maybe even for a few _ days _ she would just leave her alone. With her Pearl she could just put her on hold for as long as she needed before she was ready to enjoy her again. Spinel was always there.  
  
“Spinel I already said no. I’ll be back soon enough.” Spinels brow raises, then relaxes back down her eyes casting away from her and those appendages collapsing off her like wet noodles to the soft grass below. “Oh..um. Yeah, ok...sure thing!” Pink smiles, sneering inside herself all the while and ever so carefully giving a slight kick to the gems arms to remind that she wanted to leave. With melancholic giggles dribbling out of her mouth and into the air like bubbles blown through the wind she gets off the ground, grabbing at her right arm and rubbing it as she watched the looming figure move into the distance.

  


She wasn’t sure why she felt the way she did when she saw Pearl and Pink together but that didn’t mean she didn’t like visiting with Pearl. She wasn’t ....well, she wasn’t sure what exactly she could think of Pearl as. But she didn’t dislike her enough to not want to be around her at the very least. It felt good to not be by yourself. “Well…” she trails off, her thin ghost white finger pushing against her lower lip in a delicate state of thought, eyes closing and giving a quiet_ hmm _an animated gesture that Spinel herself could almost feel jealous over if only for a moment before the memory of the fact she can move so much more fluidly recalls itself to her. 

“Well??”

“_ Well _ I’m really not all too sure what she’s up to right now, why worry anyway Spinel? She’ll be around soon enough. I swear some days you just can’t seem to get her out of your head.”

She pouts at that, sticking out her lower lip in a particularly childish way, her arms moving like snakes crossing over each other pressing against her chest. “I mean yeah of course! We are besties after all aren’t we? Sheesh Pearl, don’t be such a goofy-head besides _ I _could totally stop thinking about her any time I want not that I would ever want to in the whole entire time of forever..ever!”

Pearl can feel her eyes roll without even processing it completely, that same hand she used to press into her lips coming to pinch the bridge of her nose. She smiled, at least somebody smiled for her. Spinel uncrosses her arms, letting them slither away one from the other before reaching them down towards her knees, clasping both of her hands together and leaning forward a hint with a smile showing off rows of her own ivory teeth.

“Y’wanna play tag?”

  
  
  


“They said no again, told me I just wasn’t ready. I could hardly believe it after how much better I’ve been doing? It really just isn’t any fair at all Pearl. I deserve my own colony don’t I?” Sighing she slumps backwards into a spire jutting from emerald grass like an antenna pointing to the heavens, covered in roses. “It’s not fair.” she feels it-earning a light jump from her given that from a sudden sensation of a hand upon her shoulder directly behind her wondering is perhaps a colony of the butterflies had gathered upon her all at once only to see that gentle touch was belonging to a thickly pink gloved hand of which in turn also belonged to Spinel. Eyes wide, she looks to her diamond with soft smile and asks with such genuine tenderness “Gosh, my diamond, maybe we could play together, you me and Pearl too. Might make you feel a whole heck of alot better?”  
  
Pink stares, turning her head to look at her as she mulled over the thought in her mind, before sighing then patting her hand. “Yes.” she stops, motioning for her to come forward. “Yes I do need distraction in my life right now.” Spinel freezes her own hand snapping back quicker than lightning and akin to a rubber band retracting back to itself ( _ ‘Spinel _ , _ That wasn’t ok to do.’) _ looking at Pink feeling her mouth feel just a little bit more dry and a little bit more nauseous over all. She wondered for a brief second if the whole world was spinning then, trying desperately to pick her shoes up and move forward. A feat that takes all too long when Pink raises a brow in curiosity expecting her to have arrived long ago. 

But she makes it, she makes it in glorious technicolour motion when she gets a hold of herself again proper and true. Smiling and excited even past her terrible squirming stomach, leaning to her side she raises her hand then with a swift push forward soon doing a cartwheel. Lady bugs tickle her insides when not only her diamond laughs but so does Pearl in tow with her over the delightfully chimerical gesture that only Spinel could ever pull off with joy. 

Pink diamond didn’t _ hate _Spinel. Or she didn’t want to, but she was so boring sometimes it hurt and dulled her to a state of painful dormancy in playing. No, she didn’t hate her not by far but sometimes it was just easier to push her down when she was being particularly annoying. She supposed that-for now-she wasn’t too bad. Not the best nor most enjoyable thing about her day but at the very least she was something that could help get her mind off her failure to secure a colony as of yet from her fellow diamonds. 

When Spinel has quite literally rolled her way over to both her and her pearl she sighs taking a finger to her left eye and wiping away a tear. Pearl waits obedient and by her side like Pink’s second shadow to Spinel herself as she would normally be when she was around. “Oh..” she says with elation in her voice looking to Spinel “You really are such a delight Spinel.” the smile on Pearl’s face is so wonderful and warm and when Spinel feels airy giggles float away from herself in response she can feel her own face heat to a light shy magenta. 

Spinel mutters out a joke to Pearl and the gem laughs hard enough to make her sides start to hurt, when Pearl laughs she doesn’t give pity in it or ask to be left alone doing it, she’s wholly genuine and her doubling over with pale fragile looking hands gripping herself in humour is entirely real. Spinel who albeit had no desire or want nor ability to accept the fact of _ pity, shame, dread _ being in her diamonds own actions picks up on it readily but each time opting to ignore it. Pink watches each inch of them both interacting, with every second of the two talking together making her feel..it made her feel as though stinging nettles had been rubbing up against her skin making her fingers grip tightly into her legs. unpleasant, prickly, wrong. 

All it takes is a question to start things off on the right foot again.

“Spinel?” the gem looked to her, overflowing with euphoria in the midst of people smiling and chuckling along with her. “Harumph! “ she says bowing to her and putting on a voice equating to royalty as she did so, tilting her head to gaze up back at her. Allowing her left hand to flare out behind her and her right to hold her midsection, all things considered sometimes the best way to play was to be simply funny, Spinel knew that well enough “Whatever could you need my diamond?” 

Pearl’s only barely not snortling at the overdramatized servitude, something about it reminding her in the vaguest sense of herself as she screwed her eyes shut tightly and quivered. That too brings up those stinging nettles all over her skin again and she cringes, both at her Pearl and her Spinel. Embarrassing.

“I was thinking…” she pauses, putting her own hand clenched into a fist under her chin and looking to the gem who had still been bowing over comically then.”You could try juggling again, couldn’t you?” she relaxes her eyes into a half lidded state as she watched her attentive and awaiting response.

Spinel snaps back up, her chest tightening and her eyes widening a twinge too in the process. Little soft sounds of jingling bells follow the movement like chimes in the wind. Short of breath she gulps down a terrible lump in her throat and thinks it over (_ she can still feel her hands around her squeezing tight until she wasn’t anything anymore but her gem, it hurts. She can hear how vehemently upset, worse, disappointed she'd been with her, oh help her mercy it hurts.) _But she’s not nothing if a loyal best friend isn’t she. Hands trembling she pulls out a set of juggling balls from her chest, turning her head to the side and coughing. “I..” she stops, why was it so hard to speak now? Why did she feel like this? “Sure thing, my diamond.”

She’s not as good as she used to be but she has to be better than before, she knows the dangers of messing up are a painful price to pay. Can’t disappoint her like that, not again. She just wants to see her smile that’s all she could ever want. _ Those hands squeeze until there’s nothing left. _She moves through the motions, unstill with violent tremors as she gets the first ball up, then the next. 

Pink smiles at her as she watches the act, because her diamond watches as does Pearl in a loose bored sense. She’s doing good, she’s not messing up she has their attention and more importantly she’s _ smiling at her. _ The act though gets no easier as she continues ( _ she’s smiling, so smile back too for your best friend.) _ the breath finds no more ease than it did earlier ‘ _ stupid boring game’ _ a single ball drops from her grasp to the ground, mercifully not launched at someone again but it’s enough to hitch her breathing and barely keep pushing through. 

Her eyes sting at the corners with globules of tears cascading down her cheeks as she continues, smile plastered on her face happily. Because she is happy, she’s happy to listen, she’s happy to play.

Why was she crying like this?

Today was a good day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ba-dunk.


	3. i like you better by yourself.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gilded bird cage. Narcissism.

Rubbing her fist into her forehead a long groan slips away from her yellow lips, sighing afterwards. Tiredness covered her like a thick wet blanket weighing her down into the world. “Look, Blue.” she pulled her hand away, taking it instead to the back of her neck to rub against it lightly. “It’s not that I want to keep her from playing and having fun, but a colony is an entirely different thing than playing with that little..pearl of hers for a few hours.” she hunched forward in her throne, hand back off her neck to rest her elbow into her arm and fist under her chin, looking to the other diamond who stood before her like a Blue goddess. “You can’t possibly expect me to consider the possibility of ever letting her have one, can you? It’s too much responsibility she could never live up to it. Give her a week and she’ll get bored and want to do something else.” 

Clicking her tongue blue closed her eyes, voice gentle and airy as ever when she spoke, something that yellow diamond has often found herself thinking on. How beautiful blue sounded to her, What a delightful diamond to be able to rule with. Perfectly cut, wonderful, yes. Not however, she decided, correct always when it came to emotional matters. Especially not ones regarding little Pink. “Oh Yellow...come now you should at least give her a chance to show she’s ready shouldn’t you? It’s _ all _ the poor thing ever asks about. Why not give her a.. _ Teensy _ bit of space to show if she really can handle it?”

“_ Out of the question.” _ Hissed out of her mouth quickly and with no hesitation, leaning back into her chair “She can _ play _on her own time, not the empire’s.”

  


Laying on her right hip her legs bent behind, delicately her fingers gripped the stem and with a soft _ snap _ the flower relinquishes its life and ability to grow for her grip. _ ‘Organic life is so delicate…’ _the concept passed through her mind smooth like autumn breeze. Organic life was fragile, it fascinated Pink endlessly how easy it was to foster it’s growth or destroy it entirely. She’d done so in a sense with the flower now too, she could heal it if she wanted but felt no urge. She had a much better way to play with it after all, taking the flower and what's left of the stem attached with grace befitting someone of her class she braided it into the others. “You really are fascinated with making these aren’t you? I can see the worth in them, they are quite beautiful my diamond.’ Pearl smiled, palms pressed into her thighs she sat on her knees thankful for the soft grass beneath.

"Thank you Pearl, you really do flatter me so much more than I deserve.” how whispered her voice was at this moment as she finished her braiding, admiring her handiwork proudly. “It’s nothing a lesser gem couldn’t do, really.” how humble Pink diamond was sent her Pearl’s mind into clouds above. How could anyone like herself be capable of anything as wonderful as her diamond? She was nothing, but for Pink she knew she could try to pretend to be something. She could do that much. 

She thinks about kyanite worms and her last Pearl, fingers grazing against the crown, she remembers what it was like before. A dull pain comes to the front of her face thinking about how unfair it was, all of it. Her not being allowed a colony her not being respected and the things she gets to play with being taken away from her every time. She thinks about prison towers and…

Sometimes it’s best not to keep thinking, she finds. A bitter tear rolls down her cheek and she sucks back in every feeling of what was and has already come before. Her finger goes trailing up against her eye and flicking away the tear to the last plucked stem. She felt no urge, nor did she want to think about having any either. This being true, it would be a lie to say that she didn’t like knowing something grew where she took away from.

With all the admiration possibly able to be contained in her voice Spinel speaks “Gee wizz! Would you lookit that…” Spinel sat next to Pink diamond too, her fingers wrapped around in the grass and sitting legs crossed. “You’re gonna look _ so _ good with that on my diamond.” she smiled cheerful and anxious to see her coronated with the crown of little blue flowers. With a succinct bob of her head Pearl readily showed her agreement. 

No one says a word, the minutes ticking thickly in the air around them, Pink looks down at the crown of flowers in her hand. Fingers twirling over and feeling the texture of it careful not to destroy the petals too much. Before looking up from her hands and to Spinel. ‘ I was thinking” she stopped, her hands raised into the air the crown clasped in both before finding itself put directly onto Spinel’s head between the two large heart shaped buns on her head. The collection of forget me nots sat there like a proud blue-purple halo, Pink watched admiring her craft and the look that crossed over the gem’s face. “That you could wear it instead, Spinel.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Hands rested delicately on her front thighs one ontop the other ready to move them when needed. Soft punches of her slipper claden feet hit the ground as she walked side by side her diamond, passive smile painting her spectre like features. Pride overwhelmed her for her diamond, which, truth be told she could find to be rather ironically amusing. Pride for her diamond? Pearl was certain that it should be the other way around, perhaps it was even heretical to consider something like this or acknowledge it. But it was there, if nobody knew it was there too did it matter anyway? She figured no. so she says nothing and walks by a loyal shadow to her diamond. 

Yes, pride. That’s the emotion absolutely, spending so much time begging and begging the other diamonds give her a chance to prove herself. Or atleast pretend that they are with an expectation that Pink diamond should start proving herself by coming to appointed court dates held by Blue and Yellow. Truth be told pink felt more like a side wheel to whatever important business they had going on really, that certainly didn’t stop her though. Determination filled and rode over her spirit, she would prove to them she was ready for a proper court and a proper colony and they’d have to listen to her. 

_ “Look, Pink” yellow had sighed heavily, putting her fingers to her temples and rubbing them in hard circles next to blue. “Blue has..convinced me that we should atleast give you a.. _ ** _chance_ ** _ to prove yourself.” pausing, hands move away from her face looking back to the smaller diamond exasperated. “Are you willing to take on some extra responsibilities to show youre mature enough to get a colony?” _

Pink hummed as she trailed off a long hallway with her Pearl so close by, she felt so mature. Like she was part of the creme du la creme at last. Had it been boring? Sure. painfully so. If a few hours of staying with the two during legislations and court dates of any other sort were what she needed to show that she was ready, then so be it. Come hell or highwater she was going to have that colony, nobody would stop her. Not even Yellow or blue if it came to it, not even Spinel if that’s what it took. 

_ “Every week from now on. Understood? If you’re late for even _ _ one _ _ meeting then you can certainly forget about ever getting a colony in your life. Do I make myself clear, Pink?" _

_ “Oh Yellow...I wish you wouldn’t be so hard on her. She knows what she has to do, don’t you darling?” Yellow shot Blue a glare at that, not pleased with the undermining of her own authority and readying herself to say something only to have a deep corpse blue finger pressed against her lips in a shushing motion. _

_ “Absolutely! I promise I won’t let you guys down, I can do it, really!" _

She could do it, maybe today would be a trial instead too, she always had liked those much better than the boring legal talks. If it were the case that today’s meeting is a trial, maybe she would be lucky and get to see a shattering trial. Gems did get so theatrical during those it was a spectacular sight to see, something about the fate of the convicted shatterer always made her uncomfortable but she liked these the best all the same. She wasn’t allowed to vote with them, not yet, but she loved feeling so powerful just being there like that. 

Pearl walked by her side, patient, loyal. Overjoyed to see her diamond brimming with such excitement for life. Something was coming on the horizon, she could feel it there. 

  
  
  


Her laughter fills Spinel with feeling of warmth in her gem. This is all she ever wants for her, seeing her like this is a dream come true. Pink breathes in then out a heavy contented breath as her bare feet splash in the pond amongst lotus blossoms, hands settled by her sides flat into the ground. Spinel’s bouncing in place looking to her excited, because how could she not be? All Pink had been wanting for so long was a colony of her own, who deserved it more than such a loving and kind being as her? Who else should have that, Spinel couldn’t think of, Pink diamond was the only one in the whole world to her that mattered enough to deserve everything she could ever want.

“Ohhh!” her hands ball up into happy fists extended out by her hips, soft squeaking shoes having their tips pressed together in her excitement. “Oh gosh im _ so _happy for you my diamond! You’re on your way you’ve done so so so good, wowie!” Spinel moves herself backwards her feet moving into proper stance and her left hand unclenching to rub it across her head dramatically. “Jeeze louise….” 

Pink rolled her eyes, sighing with a soft smile gracing her face. Annoying, but well meant she supposed. It made her feel a little bit better about everything, less..hopeless to have someone cheering her on like this. She had Pearl for that, yes, it’s still nice to have extra back up even then. Spinel was an enjoyable gem to play with when she was in the mood, her Pearl was closer to her flavor of maturity but Spinel was an incredible ego booster. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


She marveled in awe of the enormity of the Great Hall of judgement with Pink and her Pearl, hand clutching pinks tightly. It was all so big, so different. She really did feel proud of her diamond, she wanted so bad to be like the others and now she was getting there. An inch closer, but closer none the less to her goal. 

She reflected how the palaces court building had looked so much different to the beauty of the garden, her and Pink’s special place to hide and play when Pink desired it. The dazzling glass like appearance of it all-cool to the touch too, she noted as she dragged her fingers along the wall inside

“Spinel how many times do I have to tell you not to touch something?” she’d said it exasperated rolling her eyes as the trio moved along the corridor. “Could you please stop??” Spinel flinched, bashfully smiling and tearing her hand away from the wall with a whistle-”Could you stop..Could you please stop being so noticeable? _ Please? _” Pink had groaned, clenching the hand round her a little harder feeling Spinel squirm in her grasp before letting her go, she had to prove she was perfect. To prove to her other diamonds she could be mature. . 

Spinel isn’t allowed inside with Pink and her Pearl, she wanted to be but she’d been told how loud she could be and how that it might get her and Pink in trouble if she were to act out now or mess something up (_ she did seem oh so prone to failing her poor diamond, she was lucky to be put up with at all.) _so she waits for her outside, sitting patient on the floor outside of the room she rolled a little ball back and forth between her hands. Maybe next time she and Pink could go together, or if not they could have more time in the garden with each other.

  
  


Pink looked down at her Spinel, hand rested on her hip as she spoke to her with a smile painting her face. The starlight that surrounded her head looking at her from down below Spinel could swear she belonged up in the sky with them too, she radiates such love from her like light to her whole world. She hoped that in turn she could do the same. “I just want you to stay here today, ok? You can come with me next time.”

  
  


Next time comes less and less with Pink, more often than not she found that she wasn’t allowed to go with her to places. It was better for her to stay here sometimes, maybe it helped Pink to want to play with her more. She seemed to smile at her so much more when she had left her alone for some time, when she got to go and do her important diamond court dates alone. 

So Spinel isn’t mad, she’s happy to wait. A few tears escape her eyes at times but she tries her very best not to hold onto that pushing them away as soon as they come because she knows that her diamond loves her. She loved her diamond, they were best friends. So the days got shorter, she could show her even more when she came back how much she loved her and wanted to be with her. And when Pink was ready she’d come and take her places again right? 

It didn’t make it easier but she could wait, she missed leaving the garden but she could wait. It was still their special place. So she sits by ponds, climbs trees and plays with butterflies and lilies wondering when her diamond will be back when her pearl hasn’t been left to tend for the garden. She wonders what it might be like sometimes out of the garden, fantasizing about playing in new places that weren’t boring to Pink now. 

This was still their special place.

Her head throbbed thickly, all of these legal matters were so painfully uneventful and so unimportant. She was sure they were still placating her, but she wanted to try. She wanted to try and be better. She wanted to be like them, she wanted to have as much fun as they do ordering colonies and getting to make new life from nothing. She slumped into her chair, listening as the zircon went over the current state of laws involving proper and acceptable cuts for ruby guards. 

The first few months weren’t easy she could admit that to herself. She wasn’t afraid to, not at all. 

_ “But I _ _ though__t I was finally going to be doing something important!” she could feel anger greet her cheeks hot and hateful, clenching her jaw as she slammed one of her feet directly into the ground with the intent to do as much damage to the floor as possible. Sadly, or perhaps, for her benefit the floor was made of something stronger than glass panels. “Pink...you’re still learning how to be ready for a colony.”blue’s left hand goes out, palm open in an explanatory gesture as she looked down to little Pink who stood there furious, hands balled into fists. “I’m sorry we couldn’t bring you into something more exciting for your first day in the high court but you must calm down, please.” _

_ “But that’s not fair! It’s not fair that you guys get to do everything and I have to sit through a million hours of figuring out the new line of approved cuts for quartz soldiers! I want to do something important _ _ now _ _ !” How incredibly exhausting blue found this to be, taking her hand she pressed her palm deeply into her face, eyes shutting tightly as her brow furrows. “You are doing something important Pink, please just..” _

_ Those feet stamp louder than Blue can speak before they got about kicking whatever they can come into contact with, on the verge of throwing herself directly onto the floor but restraining enough to just not do it as she screamed at the other diamond. “I want to own my own colony right now! Now! Now! _ ** _Now!_ ** _ ” _

Not her proudest moment by far, at first she even feared it would set back on her when they threatened that she’d been too emotionally immature to take on the proposed responsibilities they gave but they held back on that luckily enough. But they kept on, encouraging her to try acting fit of her status again this time. She likes to think she is now.

  


her mind entertained her with contemplation's of Pearl and how lovely she was, how fun she was. She thought about her conversations with her instead of focusing on the droll of the zircon’s legal filing. She thought about warm afternoons in the garden with her. She loved playing with her new Pearl, she missed her old one sometimes but the new one was so much more entertaining. She made her feel like a diamond, like she really was important too. Like what she had to say mattered, that she was mature. 

She noticed little things about her that fascinated her, too. Like the way she blushed at certain things she did or said. The times she caught Pearl staring at her for a little too long, as if she had been mentally collecting her thoughts together and had been lost in the jungle that was Pink diamond. How her touch lingered against her fingers for a few minutes before leaving away. It was fun, how easy it was to see the Pearl get flustered or how devoted she was to her in a way so different from her Spinel. 

Playing with her Pearl was always easily the best part of her day, she would watch as time and time again she could say anything to her and she’d be infatuated with it. How she would get so wrapped up in her. How absolutely smart she was, ideas coming off her with the boldness of thunder itself. So incredibly smart, so wonderfully bold. 

“So as you see my diamonds if we cut at a perpendicular angle as such we can increase proficiency in physical forms by a whopping twelve percent and..”

_ Boring. _

  


When she’s in the garden Spinel is always so excited to meet her, she liked that. She hadn’t been all too sure why but knowing that she had her waiting here for her made her feel good. Proper even, she liked feeling, she supposed like her entire world revolved around herself and in truth it did. Really it always had but, as she stopped letting her leave the beautiful lush paradise they had together this became more and more true. 

No she hadn’t initially started leaving her behind with that intent, it was a happy accident. Her original idea was to leave the gem behind here when she needed to because she’d made her look bad by being around her. Always too happy in public, playing humming little dances as she twirled about her when they walked to and from places. Fiddling with buttons on the ship that she shouldn’t be if she dared let her on with her in the increasingly rare occasions that she did. 

If she considered it, she might find she liked it when people thought about her and only her. When she became the most important person to them, she never got the respect she deserved from her fellow diamonds, barely even feeling like one herself. Why not allow her Pearl or her Spinel to treat her the way she deserves? If it took cutting Spinel off from the rest of the whole universe to ensure that she remained the most important thing in her life well, that was alright. A happy side benefit to ensuring she wasn’t put to shame by her being around.

Spinel was annoying, but she liked having her in one special little place where she could pick her back up whenever she felt bored enough to like her again. Her special place to keep her from making her look bad. Where anytime she comes, all that will ever matter is herself. 

Maybe she could visit her again today when she’s done playing with her Pearl she mused to herself, as she half listened to the zircon droning on about cuts endlessly.


	4. Oh mama, don't grow up being like this.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the build.

_ “ What are you two **doing!**” Pearl shrieked, grabbing at the sides of her head eyes frantic and wild as she watched the two gem’s climbing up a spire. Spinel making pretend that she’s some sort of mountain climber-her arms wrapped around her little area of the stone column, hollering musically as she dragged her feet in a walking motion upwards. Pink herself followed quick by her, one hand after the other gripping stone as she pulled up to the top with Spinel. “  PLEASE  get down! What if you both shatter!” her hair almost looks like wildfire being so messy in contrast to her normal groomed appearance, though what did one expect when you grabbed at your own hair and ran your fingers through it in stress like she had been? _

_ When they reach the very top-and they do-they both laugh looking down at Pearl from above like watchful angels protecting their holy eden. “ You look like an ant!” Spinel shouted it loud enough for her voice to quake in strain. Taking her right hand she positioned it over the outline of Pearl’s head in the distance and brought them together in a squishing moment causing her to snort delightedly. _

“Spinel?”

_ The butterflies look so beautiful, she loses herself in them sitting by the only person who mattered in her entire life. Hand gently placed on top of Pink’s sighing contentedly. Yes this was bliss, she loved her more than words could relate. All she ever wants is for her to be happy, that’s all she ever needs. _

“ _ **Spinel**?” _

_ She’s happy to be here with her. _

“_ Spinel, _ are you even listening?”

_ Slowly, underneath hers, Pink’s hand recoiled. _

  


“Spinel!” she jerks into reality quick, her head bobbing into the direction of the voice, then slowly tilting it down sideways as she looked to the other with eyes only freshly coming back from a distant plane, her inner brows raising as she responded “Sorry! Gee wizz guess I got kinda distracted for a second there.” chuckling she pauses, looking back to the other “Can you say that again???”

“I _ was _ asking if you could help me water the hyacinths while I take care of the roses, where on homeworld is your mind today?” Pearl inquired staring at her with those pale blue eyes full of curiosity. An action which as awarded a half hearted shrug from Spinel. “Aw shucks I was just..I guess I didn’t hear you, that's all.’ 

‘Well that’d be the fifth time today you didn’t hear me, are you sure everythings alright? You didn’t crack your gem playing did you?” The question spilled from her mouth, her head tilting down as if looking for any hairline fractures across her gem from the distance she was, which truthfully wasn’t all that much. Spinel seemed to get more and more needy for company lately. Pearl didn;t quite understand it, everytime she was here the gem seemed to become more and more desperate for someone..._ anyone _, to interact with. When she and Pink were here in unison she seemed to light up brighter than a dying sun. 

It hadn’t been like this all that long, it’s not as if she was particularly close with Spinel now anymore than she was in the beginning, but there was a bit of something developing in the fertile soil of them having to spend as much time together as they were. Supposing that this is what must be fated to come when your diamond is busying herself and is trying to let her Pearl have free room to walk. 

  


No they hadn’t been very close ever-but Spinel seemed to be wanting more of her company lately, it wasn’t a bad thing. Anymore than it had really been a good thing either, but it helped to kill the boredom she herself felt when all of the chores were done and she couldn’t find any other way to serve her diamond. 

Smiling the gem shook her head snickering “Nah” Pearl noted that the word came out a bit closer to ‘n-eyh-’ than the proper enunciation of a ‘No’ or even a ‘n-ah’ Spinel did seem to be an interesting gem even if she wasn’t all too close with her. In some ways she reminded her of her diamond, who too was a strange and fun loving gem. 

“I suppose then if you aren’t hurt you wouldn’t mind picking up the watering can and helping with the other flowers?” acting like she was in shock and yet ready for war she straightened herself up, her chest seeming to inflate with faux muscles and bending her right arm up and outwards into a loop before connecting her hand back to her forehead in a salute. “Right away ma’am!” before deflating again and looping that arm out to get the can in a way that caused Pearl to jump in her skin a bit from the suddenness of the action 

  


Water came in rivulets from the small holes peppered in the end of the spout, Spinel watched as they hit against the pink beauties and left droplets and puddles where able to amongst petals and inner stems, the light of the stars always made them look so much more powerful in their simplistic allure. She likes how the dirt looks as it gets moistened beneath the flowers too, reminding her of how important things start off in such unassuming places just like the dirt. That something could change so much into a place of growth. 

The garden is and will forever be a billet-doux to the two gems, an exemplar of the kindness of their diamond. Of her grace, her divinity, the love which poured in her even for something as looked down upon as organic life. It was something that would be a calling card for all time to the idea of Pink, in its beauty and its difference. Perhaps most of all to Spinel this would be her place to keep hold of all her love and her hope. This is her and Pink’s oasis of play, the garden may be full of life but Spinel knew it could never be alive without her diamond in it. 

Watering it is the least either could do, the only redamancy they could act out now without her being nearby. Though Spinel and Pearl had some different grasps on life the two were nothing if not devoted to Pink as her loyal servant and her friend. 

  
  
  


Time gathers about the two like a thick jelly, the wind blowing through the garden whispering past Pearl’s ears and tickling them with trickles of electricity down her spine and through her body. ‘_ How blissful.’ _she mused, sitting she left her right hand placed atop her left knee, the foot belonging to that same leg placed on the ground allowing her to lean forward and the other leg laying flat to the grass. 

There seemed to be something about spending time around someone, either for the best or the worst; or perhaps neither that brought in this bittersweet feeling of floating outside of yourself through a crystalized form of existence that abated not to the accepted standards of experience. Rather instead it brought you to a feeling of otherworldliness, of a sempiternal reality that was beyond you yet within you. 

The days did grow short with her diamond for Spinel but the feeling of time only ever thickened in the garden. she was slowly getting used to that now and preferring that experience when she was with Pearl, or better yet, her diamond when she was there and had the space again to play. 

They don’t say anything now, because they don’t need to. There was only the now and that was that, there could be solid ground found between the two in loneliness. In the need to be a performer, to do your best for the person you love but never quite feel its adequate. Perhaps from different angles, different levels of acceptance, the feeling was still there regardless. There is unity to be found, that could be enough to keep Spinel tethered down to the rest of life still. 

  


Spinel sitting by Pearl had brought her feet to touch the bottoms of each other, her fingers twirling around in the grass, taking note of how soft it is.”When do you think Pink’s coming back?” she didn't mean to make that sound so sad, but it did. It felt autumnal out of her mouth, like something was changing and she couldn’t catch up with it. She hopes to herself that it’s not true, choosing to believe it’s not. She wants it to be the case, it has to be. 

“Don’t you think it’s a little bit silly to worry so much Spinel?” the words come smooth out of her mouth, she has no fear or worry of her own. Tenderly smiling as she looked back to the gem sitting hunched over her legs, who turned her head to look back at her. “Pink always comes again, she’ll be back. Why don’t you just enjoy your time here? This is your and her play place after all.” staring she tries to think up something to say but she just can't, there’s nothing to be said and nothing to do. She knows she was right, her diamond always came back so why was she so bothered to know when they’d come back now? She was selfish, selfish to be prioritizing her desire to be with her best friend over her diamond getting to live the life she deserves to live. “Yeah” the corners of her mouth pull into a small painful grin “You’re right Pearl, I’m just bein’ a goof ball I know she’ll be here soon.” Her fingers tense, grabbing onto the grass and pulling a few blades out, before those fingers relax again and press into the grass feeling loose and disconnected from her. 

  


The days are short, but she has Pearl by her off and on, that helped her get through living. She misses getting to go out but she knew that her diamond wouldn’t leave her here so often unless she really wasn’t good enough to go with her anywhere most of the time if it wasn’t to play. She likes her special place, she loves her diamond. 

  
  
  
  


Pearl was someone she could trust to be around with a surprising more frequency than her diamond, she supposed that when it came down to it, the garden needs tending no matter what. She’s thankful for that. Spinel gets along with Pearl like a dream in jokes and talks and relaxing sit togethers, but there are times where she feels hornets chewing away at her mind, when Pearl looks bored she feels her chest tighten and the urge to make a new joke come in fast. She needs to show her worth, prove that she’s fun. She wasn’t sure why but the urge rode over her more and more, that she had to prove something to Pearl. To her diamond even more, so that she can be good enough to be wanted. 

Pearl doesn’t notice though, she figures that at the end of the day it was only Spinel being herself and if she was bored of it enough she would move on and change the pace to something different. Often gardening seemed to help calm her down, more yet she loved to sit by and watch the butterfly colonies fly past them.

Well...occasionally she gave in too as time went on and played her silly little games with her, if you get asked something enough times you do eventually break and give in. It wasn’t her cup of tea always but she could find enjoyment in it, certainly helped pass the time when she was ready for it.

  
  


Her hand left against Spinel’s shoulder she swiftly turned her and watched as she spun with the grace of a rubber chicken, putting her fore and middle fingers to her chin as she watched the abrupt and fantastical display before Spinel finally came to a stop her pupils whirling inside her skull. “Hrm...No that’s not quite right either, it needs to be a bit more graceful if it’s going to be any good.” her hand came to rub against the side of her head tiredly, mouth pressing into a slim line as she looked to the other gem with curiosity. 

“Sheesh, I didn’t know your dancing had to be so complicated.” she huffed “ Do you really need to-” Pearl found herself smiling as she picked up on the fact that it sounded closer to _ ‘need’ta _she seemed to think alot about the way Spinel spoke about things, it was charming in its own unique way. Like her words were drizzled over with sweet honey that got caught against the roof of her mouth to mumble out sweet enunciations. 

Pearl cut her off holding up a single slim finger, eyes closing as she took her hand to spin the gem again. “Yes, I’m sure. You did ask me how I dance after all Spinel. if you want to learn, you’ve got to do it right,” Then she’s spinning again, perhaps a little bit better this time too as she giggled in the flurry of motion.

  
  
  
  
  


Sighing, Pink looked off into the dazzling gem cities below the great court house. How long would it have to be this way? All she wanted was her very own colony why did she have to prove this much to the other diamonds that she deserved one herself. That she was a diamond just like the rest of them and deserved the same respect they did. Why’d it all have to be so difficult, why couldn’t it just be _ easy _. 

All she does is sit for hours, no voice to speak up with because ‘_ She doesn’t know what she’s doing yet.’ _she wonders if maybe she didn’t know what she’s doing because none of them ever give her the chance to, if maybe they would just let her have some room she could show them how good she can be.

She loved getting to meet with new gems though but she hated the formality they seemed to require having in order to interact with her, she wished she could just be treated normal. By her subjects and by her diamonds, it’s not that she didn’t enjoy feeling so powerful. So in charge and venerated. No those were good feelings, saying that she didn’t like the sensation that admiration brought into the core of her being would be a lie. 

  


It’s a dull ache in her chest that haunts her as she stared down into the city feeling the cool stone of the buildings wall beneath her palms through the gloves she wore. She always felt that something was missing from her, as if she was always not quite there in life. Something was holding her back from every direction, that she was trapped. Feeling as if she were still in the prison tower, no way out.

She sighs putting her arms into one another and laying her face into them, her breath becoming haphazard she tries to get control of herself. But control escapes her, elusively slithering away from her as she tries to grasp it and claim it for herself. 

She takes a breath in, exhaling as tears stain her gloves warmly, she hated the way crying made her feel. Thoughts of Blue cross her mind whenever it happens, it's just her here now though. It’s just her, nobody else in the whole of homeworld but herself and her thoughts. 

  


_ ‘Like this, my diamond.” her first Pearl had shown her, tamping down the soft dirt with her hand. “This way you dont damage the stem as you put the flower into the dirt.” How absolutely wonderful that was to her, life from nothing. That wonderfully simple notion of creation in the most unassuming of places was such an impacting thing to her, she hoped in some distant corner of her mind she could be like the flower too. _

If the others saw her like this now she knew there’d be no end of it, silent prayers whisper past her spirit hoping that all there was going to be now was just her until she was ready for other gems again, for now she’d just have to let the faucet in her eyes run out. 

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> prepare thee for a second chapter shortly


	5. When the bubble pops, it's gone.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The come down.

“Blue…” She sighed rubbing her hands into her face exhaustedly. “I wish you’d stop being like this.” Blue sneered, arms crossed across her chest as she cast her glance away from Yellow to the ground beneath the two giants. “Being like _ what? _Please do enlighten me Yellow as to how exactly I am being.” she said it with cool composure, angry, but controlled and precise in it’s execution. 

Pink stood there, her hands clutched in front of herself as she looked, like Blue, down to the ground. She hated feeling this way but that’s how it was. This is how it’s been for a while now, she listens as yellow speaks up again. “Listen Blue it’s not like I was trying to make you upset, it’s like anytime I speak all you seem to do is let your emotions get the better of you.” Yellow gestured to the large empty room with dramatic flare presenting herself in a show of desperation and annoyance. “ Can you please get a hold of yourself for once, we’re going to have a room full of gems soon here we need to get ready.” her glare shot back up to the other diamond, eyes widened and brows furrowed bitter hateful tears stung at the edges. “How _ dare you. _” 

The words don’t get any prettier and Pink allows herself to fade away mentally from what was going on, that’s easier then to be present after all. She’d gotten good at doing it too, she didn’t need to hear or remember what they were fighting about this time or why they were mad at each other because it all always seemed to mutate and slide into the same thing no matter what.

That didn’t stop her from wanting it to be over though or hoping they got along again, but they don’t stop and she knows it’s not the time to play with them to try and see some mending in the bond here. She knows better than that, its better to be quiet and to disappear so you don’t get dragged into the midst of it. It was enough to feel like she was trapped, it didn’t need to be the case that she was in their arguments too.

The months float in and out like a midday dream for Spinel, she has no real way of keeping track with reality. It’s just her and some days it’s Pink’s message relay device, some days it’s Pearl. She’s always thankful for the days when Pearl shows to tend to the garden, she felt-she hoped- that maybe there was a budding friendship growing between her and the Pearl. She was sure that it might be there, that it might be sprouting, she likened it in her mind to the garden too. Like watering the plants the more you put in the more it develops right? 

She wanted it to be true, so she hoped it was. 

Her fingers twirl around inside the pond amongst lotuses, taking especial note of how beautifully clinquant the water appeared under the stars above. Its coldness and smooth silky texture in the gentle reflection of it like a ghost. She didn’t mind if it got the fingers of her gloves a little bit wet, they could always dry later. 

Spinel watched her playing in the water, her mouth tugging downwards as she played with her own fingers. She looked so lost sitting there, all she wants is to see her feel better. So Spinel does what feels right to her, she goes over in a show of absolute minstrality Her feet jingling joyously against the ground, she could make it better.. She could make it right. Pink looked back over her shoulder as Spinel came, _ cringing _at the sight of her with a faux smile. Great, she’d have to deal with this now. 

“Hello Spinel.” she said turning her gaze away from her and back into the pool, finding her fingers dragging a lotus that had been floating nearby closer to her hand. Beautiful things these flowers were, growing from the mud they spring in through water a living and beautiful thing. They are not burdened down by their initial mud and filth but grow from it and become something beautiful. She supposed that they were maybe beautiful regardless of the filth they are mired in. Sometimes the most beautiful things must grow out from beneath the mud, Pink knew that well enough.

“Hiya my diamond!” she’d said it proudly before plopping herself down by her feet reaching into the water below and kicking into the pool, it was an innocent gesture she’d meant nothing by it but Pink despised the act. How could she come here and disturb everything like this? She was fine before she came over but Spinel always had to come and meddle in everything didn’t she? Stupid, clingy, annoying Spinel who couldn’t take a hint that she would rather be left alone. 

“Saw you looked like you were feeling a bit down and thought I could come and cheer you up” she’d said, except the first you came out a bit more like _ ‘ya _ then ‘and’ came out more like _ an’ _that was another one of Spinel's more unpleasant qualities to her. The way she enunciated things came out with emphasis on what word felt most important to Spinel in that moment was repugnant. Made her whole neck tense up every time she did it but she said nothing, only nodding her head letting her eyes roll in response to the gem. 

Her chest twists a little in the response but Spinel braves through regardless. She could do it, she was sure she could say the right thing or do the right thing then Pink would suddenly feel better again. She always used to laugh before, they still had such fun together when she around too still right? “ So um…” her voice cracked, gulping down in her throat a soft lump that had seemingly formed and (‘_ those hands squeeze until there’s nothing left’) _ “You wanna have a splash fight or something or..or maybe you wanna-”a long groan came out from her diamonds mouth in response holding up the hand she hadnt had stuck in the pool playing around with the lotus flower to motion for Spinel to stop. "No, I don’t particularly want to do any of those things right now Spinel. Maybe if you want to make me feel better you could come up with a better idea.” the chill in her voice is enough to give frost bite, Spinel’s lower lip quiver and her feet stop kicking as she looks back down into her lap. “Sorry I just thought..” 

“No, you didn’t.” Pink said that ice seeming to drift off into something warmer, Spinel hoped she could forgive her for being so foolish. “But that’s fine.” her eyes close, pursing her lips for a moment before relaxing them, those striking pink eyes opening up to a half lidded state as she cupped her hand feeling the water rush and dribble off of her looking at the white flower sitting in her hand. She hardly ever needed to poof the gem anymore, but there were times like now she needed to cut her back down to size. “I’m used to that.” 

Why was it so hard for her to breathe now? Her chest fills with little glass shards all over and feeling a terrible weight in her gem. She should’ve done better, she should have been funnier. She can do better next time, she has to do better next time. 

  


“So as you can see…” Pearl hummed, trailing her fingers against the rose stem before her and Spinel. She always seemed to be so home in getting to teach someone, there’s a deep love in her for helping to understand something. Maybe it was part of her being a Pearl, a deeper connection into servitude in a way different from Spinel’s own. She was a performer, Pearl was a loyal servant all and all. Not to mention Pearl was better at her lot in life than Spinel ever had been. 

“Our top peridots on the field in Bioresearch speculate that roses such as these develop thorns to protect themselves away from predators.” She sounded so proud of herself “Predators are naturally drawn into the beautiful smell of these flowers, so it makes sense for them to become so unpleasantly prickly to keep safe!” Spinel nodded rapidly, clapping her hands together “Woowie!” _ ‘wuh-ow-we’ _ what a soft and euphonious way she emphasized that. Her voice sugar sweet, Pearl supposed she could spend time with the gem just listening to her talk. “Sooo...if them smelling so good makes other organic stuff want to eat them, why smell good anyway? Wouldn’t it be easier to just be thorny so nobody could ever hurt them?” 

“There are a couple of reasons…” she drifted off, trailing her finger against the petals of the rose with care. Beautiful things, she couldn’t blame her diamond for loving them. They were powerful resilient flowers in their own right and yet how delicate they were. Those thorns only do so much, and when she accidentally tears away a petal from the flower that sets deeper in her mind of the fragility of these beings. “They say the smell is to attract pollinator organics to them..” pausing, she leaned over to Spinel “They also say that they even use their exotic smell to potentially call in other organics to help protect them.” and her hand tucks the flower between one of her heart buns with pride. “Today, it looks like they smell good for you!” The look on Spinel’s face was little else than _ priceless, _Pearl chuckled breezily as Spinel marveled at the flower left in her hair.

  


“Oh Yellow..she’s so adorable in her little chair in the court.” Blue sighed, her hand gently pressed against the side of her face as she looked out of the window. “Perhaps we could try and find her a more interesting case for her, I know she would much prefer something like a proper criminal trial.” she hummed, Yellow kept her eyes fixed to her screen, going over daily activity logs from her colonies and the various kindergartens she had been seeing set into motion over time. “Maybe we could even get her a gavel, oh how delightful she could bang it whenever we need the accused to be quiet. Wouldn’t that be lovely? It would make her feel so important too.” 

She liked looking out of the window into the deep void of space, seeing as they passed by stars planets and the such in all their divine beauty. The simplistic peace of the emptiness of it all, she thought of Pink. ‘_ She’s just like them’ _ Blue felt her dimples grace her cheeks as that smile widened ‘ _ Our little star.’ _Pink was indeed their star, bright burning and loved by oh so many for the light that shown from within her. Sure she wasn’t perfect, but Blue had come to love her imperfections. A little reprimanding when needed and she was back on the right track sure enough, oh how funny she was and so clever sometimes too. Pink was her star, the light in her world; no doubt about that. 

The idea hadn’t been _ horrible _ Yellow decided she even could come to find it rather amusing as it was passed along through her thoughts between strategies of conquest and what to do next to help further the gem race. ‘Hrmn.” she dragged her finger over the screen watching as the reports blur away quickly into her star maps, she doesn’t look away and she sounds disinterested as ever but Blue was sure she was nearer than let on. “I don’t suppose it’s as bad of an idea as letting her have a colony. With any luck it’s possible getting to order around a few gems in trial will get all this business out of her system.” There were so many worlds out there and yet they have only really seen so few in the grand scheme of all things.They had the time to find them all though, she knew that. Her fingers click against the screen and mark a few planets found by their satellite probes for future visitation.

Months are fluidous, greasily sliding along one into the other with long drifts into periods of solitude. Happy little servant, best friend, love. Spinel hadn’t meant to really, nor had she noticed it but with each passing day she began to get a great deal needier then she had ever been before. It’s not like she hadn’t..been made without being a touch like this. No, not at all, that said it seemed to get worse with each second. Maybe it was the fact she didn’t get to see her best friend so often, that most days it was only her here. 

It could have been that she just wasn;t good enough to be a normal gem either, that she was flawed in some way. Perhaps that was why her diamond never seemed to want to stay for long. How she could always mess up everything so easily between the two. Whatever it was didn’t matter, Spinel got more desperate for contact of any sort. That was the given truth of the state of things, no way around that. 

Pearl helped ease it over though, helped things feel a little less terribly lonely whenever she was around. It wasn’t as if they were anywhere near as close as her and her diamond but it was better than nothing, it was there. All that she needed was it to be _ there _, anything was enough to keep her off the edge and the long all beneath it. 

When Pink is there on her rare days, she tries so hard to make her laugh, sometimes it works. She chooses to be thankful for when it does and block out anything contrary to those days, it would kill her to have to sit and deal with each painful memory and thought of her own personal failures to live up to her diamond’s needs. She expected so little from her, how could she fail her the way that she did so often? She was a worthless thing, but she was _ hers _ and she lived for _ her _alone. She would never stop trying her best to keep her pleased in that regard then. 

Over time, over tears that stream down and salt the ground and days laughing and playing she notices a little glint in Pink’s eye of something. It’s never there all too long but she would notice it when she was alone, looking over her shoulder for a brief second to catch the diamond staring at her until it vanishes and a smile paints her features instead. 

That little something behind Pink’s eye, though not appearing all too friendly never gave Spinel too much fear. She trusted her diamond implicitly and knew she would never harbour any ill will towards her. Anything she did was always from a good place, she was sure of that. Though she didn’t know it, so was Pink. Pink was sure of her own actions always having a good meaning behind them, true and simple she never meant exact malice behind what she did. She didn’t enjoy hurting others, sometimes it was necessary.

Sometimes it was necessary.

“My puns are normally MINERAL-istic!” five jokes in and Pearl just couldn’t stop laughing, Pink glanced from her to Pearl then back to her and she was so sure she’d done such a good job when she smiles back to her. Then she speaks and she’s stomped into the ground near instantly. “You’re not funny, Spinel.” Pink thought the jokes were funny, sure, but she couldn’t let Spinel know that. If she did that could complicate things. Her Pearl stopped laughing in time, looking up to her diamond for guidance as she spoke again “You just aren’t funny Spinel, you should consider trying to make jokes a little less. You’re such a wonderful gem to be around but..” her breath escapes her careful and smooth. “You should consider a new angle, am I right Pearl?”

What else could pearl do but agree, her diamond had never been wrong before so how could she be now? “Of course, my diamond.” her laughter must’ve just been a reflex, nothing more nothing less. Spinel feels as though she’s sunk through the ground. Like she was somewhere else now but she trusts her diamond too, she had to be right. “Yeah! I can do better abso-tutely my diamond, you..” her voice cracks, she clears her throat and with aching voice she speaks again. “You can count on me.”

  
  
  


Pearl gave way to her diamond in ready ease with happy grin etched in her features looking about the garden with eyes brighter than the shine of Pink’s own gem. She’s done so well fo rso long and how could she not feel so proud? She swore that she was going to have her gem crack from her spirit going into the atmosphere when she felt her diamonds hand graze against her own walking through the garden and seeing how well she’s helped to care for the plants.

The visit was unexpected, certainly, but not unwelcome. She knew her court members would be happy to see her, she knew that her Pearl would be ready and willing to come by her side and entertain her. Light her mind up with fire, her servitude could get in the way at times but she loved how the Pearl made her feel. 

“As you can see in your absence my diamond everything has continued smoothly Spinel and I have assured that all the organic life you left here has continued to thrive.” hearing her name come out of her Pearls mouth made her stomach twist about like a serpent full of needles, pulling the ends of her mouth upwards into a faux smile. “That’s..good, that’s nice. Good job, Pearl.”

This wasn’t anything **new ** to her, she was used to Pearl having a general disinterested place around her Spinel. But there was something else there that made her uncomfortable, shed been watching them with close care for some time now. She knew something was changing, budding. It wasn’t just the fact they’d been acting closer but that now her Pearl- _ HER _ Pearl had been talking about _ Spinel _when they were together. Nothing too grand but enough to set Pink up into high places of disgust with canyons of hate below. 

She thought that it might be enough; to keep Spinel seperated from the outside for the most part. She wouldn’t have to deal with her too much and she could find her marginally fun to play with when she came back. She’d have the chance to prove how mature she was and not have anything else influencing the rest of her life.

This disproved that theory.

She despised seeing them together, Knowing that they talked to each other, it wasn’t fair. How could they have fun without her? How could Spinel be so cruel as to try and start infecting her Pearl and potentially taint her into being as boring as she was? What if they got closer together and all that was left for Pink was nothing. 

Pearl talks talks _ talks, _ she responds but doesn’t listen at any point, thoughts haunt her mind like poltergeists tearing apart a home. If she wasn’t the most important person in Spinel’s life then was she not important anymore? Would she even matter to her Pearl anymore, if she and Spinel got close enough together she was certain that she’d wind up being as important to them as she was to the other diamonds. That she wouldn’t have any fun toys to play with because of it and she would be alone. 

  
  


The day progresses Pink is careful and plays the part she’s meant to, she studies the two and leashes her mind back. With firm resolve she knows this isn’t right

It stuck to her mind like a thorn against soft red meat that buried it’s way deeper with each thrust of her mind. That burrowing _ thorn _ in her mind making her bleed rich and fresh feelings of contempt. They ran down her back, through the inner circuitry of her form rushing hot and making her shoulders tense, how selfish of Spinel to disregard her own feelings like this. How cruel of her to interact with _ HER Pearl _like they were becoming friends. 

  
  
  


In the cold of her ship she speaks to her Pearl, now was as good a time as any. Away from Spinel who might object or more disastrously, ask to come with her too. “Pearl you really have done such a fantastic job helping me with my garden.” Her voice a sardonic tone that floated in the air around them musically, rubbing the palms of her hands together. Pearl looked to her smiling timidly as she spoke up again “Oh my diamond really it’s nothing, I can do anything you need me to. I am after all at your eternal service.” their eyes lock together and Pink, beautiful lovely shining Pink beams down at her wit hall the warmth in the world. 

“Do you suppose then my Pearl that you would like to start accompanying me to help out with court? I figure if yellow and blue could have their pearls why can’t I bring mine?” ‘_ her Pearl’ _her cheeks flush a furious pale blue setting the palm of her right hand against her face. “Oh wow, if you’re really sure it’s ok my diamond i’d be absolutely euphoric to be with you. I’d love nothing less.” she stopped, eyes widening and tearing her hand off her face as she looked off towards the side “Oh but..the Garden..” only to be met with her diamond s hand gently pulling her head back to see her again. “Don’t worry, I can take care of it.”

  
  
  


She’d been so excited to see Pearl again, complicated feelings aside she had begun to grow on the gem enjoying having her around (_ she reminds her so much of her diamond.) _it felt nice to be around someone. She’d resolved it firmly in her mind as she watched them go off that she could show Pearl how to play hide and seek with her too. It’d be so much fun, they wouldn’t stop until they became exhausted. 

She waited all day.

Then another day. 

She waits, thinking up ideas for them to do. Wondering when she might come back and that if she had been gone then golly gee her diamond must have been sending her on a really important errand, right? She fantasizes about what that might be like to be with her more often like that outside of the garden. 

Maybe they could blow bubbles too she reasons to herself, waiting by the warp pad one evening with the plastic bottle. Blowing them into the air, wishing she had someone to come and watch the beautiful see through wonders float away from her into nothing. 

Its months and nobody is there, she wonders to herself if maybe something happened, if everything was ok. She hoped maybe that Pearl hadn’t been avoiding her but she knows that nobody could ever be mean enough to just leave someone like that. Nobody could ever do that. 

But Pearl never comes back, not once. Her diamond doesn’t come back either for the same months that Pearl is gone, when she comes back again a sight one could even dare to call miraculous she states it simple. “She decided not to come back again, Spinel.” 

Her mind isn’t ready to pick up on it the first time when she responds with a “_ What..?” _ She waved her hand dismissively to the gem with a smile on her face as she spoke. “She was bored of the garden silly, besides I’m your best friend aren’t I?” 

Something deep inside the gem wrenches in two but she bobs her head in agreement her eyelids lowering and the inner brows raising up. She knew she was no fun to anyone else but her diamond. Pearl hadn’t meant her any cruelty. She just didn’t like her anymore, maybe she never liked her to begin with. Stupid Spinel, Stupid boring broken Spinel who can’t even live up to her purpose of being a good best friend to her diamond who loved her more than she ever deserved. Her diamond who always came back and had so much fun with her when she was good, 

A painful smile that felt like her dimples were being torn from strain, but she knows that she isn’t smiling wide enough for that. Pink was her best friend, not Pearl. It was always Pink. 

It was always Pink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BAM sorry to make you guys wait, but i wanted to really drag this one out and i didnt feel comfortable having it all in ones chapter <<


	6. Feels like i'm dying all the time.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Childhood games turn bittersweet.

Pearls come and go she supposes, but her diamond always stays.

Sometimes she can catch herself staring into the lotus filled pond for hours on end, her eyes lost both in the reflection the cool soothing pool gave, yet also _ through _it as well. As if she were staring at and past herself all at once simultaneous and strange, urges unrelenting to go in and grab her face tear it away and watch what happens riding over her like a cruel howling devil.

Of course that simply is not possible no matter how much it tempts her, so she puts up with at best, sticking her fingers in the face reflecting watching it disperse into broken shards. She never was all too sure why she would stare at herself for so long, narcissism, maybe. But the gem cant nor would ever say that she particularly liked herself seeing as she had no love to give herself in the first place. She didn’t deserve it, she knows and accepts that readily. 

Perhaps then her long journey mentally hadn’t been much more else than her trying to piece together a puzzle that had no pieces to it. She stares into the reflection cast inside the pool and realizes that there _ is no Spinel. _ She simply does not exist, there is an abstraction. An idea of what should be there, but is not. All that exists is her diamond, nothing else. 

She watches pink gloved fingers drifting in the water distort the reflection of the face looking back at her, she does not exist. 

There is nothing.

  
  


Pink hardly ever needs to physically discipline her Spinel anymore, all that was left to ensure was keeping her in line emotionally really. Spinel was ready to jump (quite literally) however high she was asked, she always was but the isolation of the garden seemed to enforce this behaviour. It’s a double edged blade, she could revel orgasmically in the dependance that was brought on by being alone with her. She loved feeling so important to Spinel, like she was her hero. The only thing that mattered to her, annoying, boring yes, but she was her whole world. That was enough to soothe her own aches. At that same time though she looks at her ]and her stomach knots into something heavy and greasy. She speaks, every noise from her mouth making the diamond feel fire in her neck and upper back cringing at it. Everything she did was unbareable, so stupid so _ childish. _ Memories haunt her like frozen souls ‘ _ then why don’t you act like it.’ _sometimes she looks at Spinel and all she feels is a terrible urge to poof her and hide her in some dark hole.

Little permissions given here or there with each passing year. She tries her best to prove herself, tantrums and childish behaviours aside she grows to the best of her abilities. There are days where all she does is look out into empty space and imagine what life might be like to have her own colony, to be as important as her other diamonds. To matter like they matter, or maybe to matter more to them because of it too. Days are static and she’s sure most of the time that she’s only being placated in the long run, that there was no point ultimately to her trying to do anything at all because they will never see her as good enough for her own worlds. What use is doing anything when the outcome is never any different? 

No purpose to anything, no reason to try. She does so anyway and when she’s with Spinel…

_ “I love you, my diamond!” _

_ “I know you do.” _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Yellow it’s all she ever talks about.” her hand left itself heavy on her shoulder, those eyes holding depths of emotions deeper than simple want or sorrow. There’s something beyond that, almost a sort of urgency in it. Blue wasn’t anymore sure what it was than Yellow had been. But it was there, something deep and potent and this horrible sense of urgency, like they had to move fast before time ran out. It weighed down the room like a lead balloon, she was _ terrified _ and she wished she could name why it was. But she didn’t know, so she was to burden that like a tortured atlas. “Just because it’s something she talks about doesn’t mean she deserves it or _ needs _ to have it.” concise, clear, straight forward. “We can’t seriously be considering doing that Blue. White already has such high expectations put onto us, managing to meet those with Pink would make it next to impossible.” there are half truths in there, Yellow wasn’t wrong when she said she was worried about what White would think but..she was scared too. She wish she knew even a fraction of why but she was, the colony made little ants crawl along her shoulder stinging at her with painful adrenaline. She couldn’t let her have a colony, _ she couldn’t. _

“That’s not fair Yellow, she’s such a dear and you can’t admit she hasn’t been living up to her promises.” that hand of hers felt like lead on her shoulder, why couldn’t this be over already why couldn’t they both just forget and move on. “You need to give her some room, I’m sure she can do it.” her voice is so soft, velvet and perfect she loses herself in the melodious tone closing her eyes. Focusing on kindergartens could take so much out of you, waiting for hours on this ship. “Please..just think about it.”

  
  
  


“Would you like me to do anything, my diamond?” Her pearl looked up at her with a gentle smile, beautiful little thing. “I don’t suppose you can make the others give me my colony can you?’ she’d said it half heartedly, her eyelids lowered with a half grin on her lips. Her Pearl frowned, her cheeks tinting light blue and shaking her head quietly. “I’m um..afraid not my diamond, but..Oh!” her own face lights up eagerly as the idea illuminates her mind like a burning sun over the horizon of darkness casting away from it all shadows. “You could always go play with you Spinel if you want, my diamond. That does seem to make you feel better.” 

Pink slithered her way to sitting back straight in her chair as she thought over the idea, her eyes traveling to look upwards in thought. She supposed it did make her feel better to be around her sometimes, even if she was extremely irritating she gave her some relief much needed when it came down to it. 

  
  


When she speaks she gags, when she smiles she feels her inner self recoil and hide away. She doesn’t hate Spinel but there was something about her that just set the worst areas of her mind on fire. It’s not as if she didn’t have fun with her sometimes-she did-but something bitter always lingered on her for Spinel. She hardly ever needs to hurt her physically anymore, its easier to just say the right thing to get her to do what she wants. She’s gotten good at it too, it didn’t even need to be painful it just needed to get under the gems skin the right way. When she was on her better days she would play back with her, on her worse days when she really wanted something else to have to squirm she could watch as Spinel tried to connect back with her and she pushed her off somewhere else.

She didn’t like hurting her Spinel, she was sure that she wasn’t most of the time during any reinforcement of rules to be had during their play time. There were however limits to acceptable behaviour, saying that she wasn’t able to find a small bit of enjoyment would be a lie too. There is catharsis to be found in taking out the torture you may go through on someone else who deserves it, who else could deserve it but her? This wasn’t something that would ever cross her mind out of the deepest pits of her subconscious but it nestled there cold like a hibernating reptile all the same, ready to bask in the eternal daylight of the conscious when the conditions are right and to strike with poisonous fangs. 

The winter does not end though and she leaves it tucked away far and deep within herself. She doesn’t like hurting Spinel, perhaps she liked hurting herself more. 

  


“Yellooooowwww….” she sighed, laying over the side of the pool letting the entirety of the lower half of her body float in the water, Her arms crossed underneath her acting like a faux cushion for her chest. “I thought you said all of us were gonna get to stay together today.” she groaned, laying her head down into the ground. “I’m bored.” 

“Are you now?” She kept her eyes closed as she responded back to the smaller diamond, her hand splishing around the water carefully feeling it between her gargantuan fingers ‘_ Give her a chance Yellow.’ _ “Well I’m sorry that the others couldn’t come, Pink. You know well though that you can’t always get what you want. Sometimes we’re all busy.” Pink felt something in her drop, she doesn’t move from her spot just letting “Yeah.” creep out from her lips like a centipede descending into thick mud. “Yeah, I know.” 

Yellow let her right eye crack open, pupil darting to look towards Pink. “It must be nice though.” Pinks voice carried through the large room soft and distant. “You guys get to do something really important, making life out of nothing.”there’s a long quiet that stays there, or, it felt long. Life had a funny way of making the things that hurt seem so much longer than they really were, she supposed that the same thing that makes painful things that are short seem so long must hurt twice as bad when they really were long. “I’m sorry I’m always in everyone’s way.” 

Her other eye opens and she moves towards the other gem, kneeling herself down by Pink the sides of her mouth tugging down and her brow lifting up as she closed in near her. “Pink, what are you saying? You’re a _ very _important part of our empire.” she wants to reach her hand out, she knows she’s too big to put her hand on her shoulder or her back the same way Blue did for her so often but she thought about maybe even just letting her finger rest against her back but.

She can’t, No, she has to keep up to standards. She can’t be weak now, she has to maintain the goals White gave them all. She has to prove herself for her _ and _ the others. So she looks at the other with yearning deeper than she knew she could have to reach out to her yet can never act on. “You know that, right?” Pink could feel her teeth sink into her lower lip, she makes an effort to not look up. She knows better than to do that. “Yeah” easy lie “Yeah I know.” Yellow pulls back, pressing her fore fingers into each other “Good.” what would be the right thing to say now? Why did it all have to be so hard? “That’s good.” No point in getting emotional now, there’s no point in doing anything at all right now. 

Spinel isn’t trying to be like this but she just can’t help it. She can’t get enough of her diamond. When she’s around she gets into such a state of elevation she can’t come back down to the ground. Hands run over her midsection when she’s by herself. Feeling grip and tear into her when she’s alone, but when her diamond returns she’s always so happy to see her that it all just dissipates into nothing like fog in smoke. It’s gone, she didn;t care if breathing in the smoke made her feel sick sometimes. It was her fault anyway if it burnt, she knows better than to judge the fire for doing what was natural. 

She couldn’t help it, not that she thought she needed to. Or that her diamond minded in any particular way, she never said anything when she came back so she figures that yes, it must be ok. It must be normal. This is how relationships are supposed to work, you’re supposed to feel like you're dying when they aren’t there. Pink came to regard it the same way one might an insect buzzing around. Whether she swatted or not was based on her mood that day. She notices as she grips herself around her more and more, desperate for anything. 

She was her whole world and it was better off this way for the both of them, she was sure of that. With Spinel like this she mattered to someone, at least her Pearl and her Spinel treated her like she was somebody important. Pearl would always be so much better than Spinel though, if only because when she looks at her..when she sees her move and how desperate she is to cared about in any way. How badly she wants to make _ her _ feel good. It makes her queasy, just how much she reminds her of herself.

She becomes like a shadow when she’s around, more than she ever had been in the past. More than Pearl, there’s something different to it. Something more urgent. Grasping clinging thrashing, like a dying animal fighting for life. Pink can feel that and some days she helps it breathe, others she’s the hand crushing the lungs of that animal.

  
  
  
  


“Spinel.” she’d said it quietly, she hadn’t gone through anything with the other diamonds today.

  
“Yes my diamond?” Spinel had sounded so happy to be talked to at all.

“Why don’t we play a game today?” _ The smile on her face could have lit up the whole universe and taken back every dark day in a prison tower, she wasn’t sure why she did what she was going to do but she did it anyway. _

  


“Golly, so I get to go first?” she’d asked innocently, bouncing on her toes as if the anticipation was about to burst out of the top of her head like a soda bottle shaken to its limit. “Y’sure you don’t wanna go first? I know how fun it can be to get to hide instead!” Pink could see herself reaching her hand down and plucking out each one of those happy teeth in her face so she could stop smiling. Maybe if it was her, being diamond and such, maybe they wouldn’t come back. That’d be a sight to see. She holds up her hand open and flat to the other gem with a knowing smile on her face. “Of course i’m sure Spinel.” then her hand goes down to the other gems shoulder with the gentleness of the butterflies that floated about them in the garden. 

“All I want is for you to have fun, now I’ll start counting. Why don’t you go and hide?” She chuckles and Spinel can feel herself melt inside, it’s all she ever wants from her diamond is for her to be happy, to love her as much as she loves her back. She agrees readily, waiting until she sees Pinks hands go to cover her eyes and hear her start counting backwards from a hundred just like they agreed. She was going to choose the best hiding spot ever, then she could find her diamond after too. They’d have endless fun today, she was sure of that. 

Pink waits until Spinel is good and gone, then takes her hands away from her face. She doesn’t keep counting and she doesn’t go to look for her either, she never had any intention to in the first place. This would keep the gem away for some time, she figured, then made herself to sit by a section of forget-me-nots. Fingers going in and pinching them off one by one, then healing the stems after. Something inside of her wondered if the flowers could feel pain when she did that, but it’s not fun to think about that. So she pushes it away and continues on without thinking any deeper than her feelings in the immediate moment.

  


The first twenty minutes are beyond exhilarating, she’s sure at any moment that she may be caught while the other part of her mind convinced her that she had found the best hiding spot ever. No way she could be found too fast, not even by someone as amazing and kind as her diamond. 

The next thirty minutes she sits and admires the simplistic beauty of the rose bush she’d been hiding under. They grew so ferociously and so big when given the chance she couldn't help but be at least a little amazed. The thorns made her feel like she herself had been some sort of diamond hiding in a protected palace away from intruders and assassins, the thought making her giggle from the absurdity of the concept. Her a diamond? She wasn’t anywhere close to being as perfect as them, not anywhere as perfect as hers.

The first hour passes and she wonders if she might have chosen too good of a hiding spot. Maybe she made things too difficult for her poor diamond, she often did. She knew that. She was such a burden sometimes it hurt, poor selfish Spinel who can’t even be good enough to not consider her own feelings while she made things too hard for her diamond. 

Something was wrong by the third hour, why does her chest hurt so bad?

A day passes, she leaves her spot in the bushes with tears salted and warm streaming down her cheeks hoping that she hasn’t made a faux pas somehow, maybe she made her hiding spot too hard. Maybe she wasn’t playing right. Maybe she messed up the game. Stupid Spinel, Stupid boring Spinel. 

  
  


“What made you think we were playing game Spinel?” the lie coils its way around her head tightening it like a snake with it’s prey. “I don’t think I ever said we were going to play hide and seek, did I?” she wasn’t sure why she was doing this. It just sort of happened. Alot of things she did with Spinel seemed to sort of happen. “But..” her throat hurt so bad, she misremembered. She must have misremembered. “But I..I could’a...I could’ve sworn you said we were…” her mind desperately tries to put together the pieces of the puzzle but Pink, glorious wonderful shining diamond that she is, is always there to help her. “Spinel I’d love to play with you, but I promise I never said I'd play hide and seek with you.” It’s so much easier to lie to someone than to face the truth, she could deal with Spinel so much better letting her think it was her fault instead of owning up that she just felt like leaving her alone. 

Her mouth goes dry, her head swirls thick and dizzy. What is real and what is not is gone for her, all that exists for her is her diamond. Stupid Boring Broken Spinel couldn;t even remember that her diamond didn’t say anything about playing with her. She had to imagine something that wasn’t real. She seemed to do that all the time. “Yeah, I…” Where is her mind? “You must be right.”

When things are good they are nothing short of amazing, when they’re bad they hurt more than she could possibly imagine. But she never blames her diamond for when they’re bad. She never even thinks to blame her, because she knows she would never do something that could hurt her. If she was hurt by something she’d done it was and would always be her own fault.

The days drift in, slow and unrelenting. 

She always smiles, she’s always just as happy to meet her diamond when she _ is _ there. No matter how bad it hurts, she never loses faith in her. Always just as excited as before.

Spinel was not a gem, she simply is not there. There is nothing to be found, She’s a performer in a play that is not her own. Not the main character either, she’s meant to come out when needed and go away when she had to. That is her function purely. She was a toy, played with until she wasn’t needed anymore then to be put away quickly after. She's hollow through and through.

She lives to serve her diamond.

There is no Spinel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a note, bbt is FAR from over to anyone whos been wondering, if youre curious about anything, hit up boringbrokentoys.tumblr.com with any questions you have/wanna ask personally it's where i keep all my inspo and will be posting anything either non canonical related to the story OR other spinel/bbt content.

**Author's Note:**

> I'll pprrobably rewrite this later when i've actually uh watched the whole movie WHOOPS.


End file.
